JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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