I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
