I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize