I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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