i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
