buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
