I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
