is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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