Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
