I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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