I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize