Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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