So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
