from now on my penis is your penis
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
