Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
