dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
