You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
