I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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