I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so let's talk penis.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
