I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
