hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
