Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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