found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
