i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
