Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
