seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
