the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
