well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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