am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize