At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
