she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
