WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
