She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
