wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
