erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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