I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
