i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we're making bets on your personal life
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
