My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
