I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
