If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
