I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
