I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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