If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize