I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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