It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
