My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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