you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
