We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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