I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
