my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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