I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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