did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
