For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
