I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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