how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
