I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
