Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
