We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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