When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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