Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
