This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
