Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
