i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
