Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
