youre lurking in front of me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
