my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have fence marks all over my body
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
