I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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